ETN? - Muckmouth

ETN

3/6/2017

ETN

While everyone has been distracted with all this Donald Trump malarkey, a true evil has grown from the void; like the Nazis or to a slightly lesser extent, the Americans, this dark force threatens to take over our world.

They started out with what I’ll admit was a pretty cool idea, the live stream of Tommy and Jaws at UC Davis was the most promising concept since Instagram videos, OK you had to download an app but surely it would be worth it, then your eyes begin to melt like mace in the morning...
$7.99 per month.

To me, and thousands of equally broke mother fuckers, this was absolutely ludicrous. I have literally never paid for an app, Facebook are giving their shit away and these cheeky bastards want eight buck a month? The comment section of every ETN related social media post reflected similar opinions from almost every skateboarder with a phone and a thumb. But still, peppered between the poor grammar and swear words in capital letters, a small but faithful following arose, armed with their parents credit card details and wide eyed commitment to their new overlords. At this point alarm bells were not ringing, it was hardly the first retarded idea to sell a few units; the same cunts that bought snakeboards felt that the pricing of the app was very reasonable.

Stage two of their dastardly plan gave me PTSD, they revealed that to justify their extortionate rates they would be producing “original skateboarding shows”. The first of these goddamn abortions is an actual skateboard game show, complete with a spinning wheel and fake security guards, I can’t even parody it, it’s that fucking ridiculous. The most painful thing about it is somehow, deep down, I want to watch it. I feel like a rape victim asking for a second date.

It started to smell suspicious when SLS continued promoting the app so ruthlessly despite the overwhelming amount of negative feedback, but nothing could have prepared us for the Ebenezer Scrooge move that came next...

The most painful thing about it is,
somehow, deep down,
I want to watch it.
I feel like a rape victim asking
for a second date.

Tampa Pro.
One of the most respected and watched competitions in skateboarding just got hog tied and ass fucked by an otherwise unknown media company. Who owns ETN? Who would dare risk angering the delicate sensitivity of the skateboarder? I’m not gonna say who the puppeteer behind this despicable revolution is coz I’m hoping for a job when the takeover is complete. Shoutout to Dyrdek.

The next exciting stage of promotion will involve a new reality series following the daily lives of professional skateboarders; the producer proudly describes it as a combination of “King of the Road”, “Life of Ryan” and “Real Housewives of Atlanta”. There will be a pay per minute feature introduced in April that allows you to live stream your favourite pros 24/7, you can watch Ishod’s relaxed style as he sleeps for nine hours or you can sit back and enjoy Torey grinding out a long round poo.

How this happened isn’t overly complicated, money is becoming increasingly influential in the world of skating, but this is a big step in a bad direction. What kind of stranglehold are these parasites going to have on all this great footage? If you rich little fucks keep supporting this Hadron Collider long enough, it will envelop the whole industry. It starts with Street League and the Berrics but pretty soon they’re buying JKwon and Macba, next they’re coming for your 700hrs of self-filmed flatground footy. Be afraid children, be very afraid.

Most people are quietly content in the knowledge that skateboarders will never buy into this nonsense, we are way too smart to let that happen; they presume it to be a flash in the pan that nobody will remember like a pussy grabbing president, but I’m old enough to remember skate parks before scooters... this is how it starts.

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6 Comments

FIRE US A MESSAGE

3/15/2017 03:43:56 am

Original skateboard shows do not surprise me. Be it that they come from America, land of...Dyrdek, and lots of other fake stuff. Sometimes litteraly fake stuff, or rather stuffed with fakeness. Where are big name pro's who dare to take a stand? A stand that will stand time so to say. No to corporate bullshit! I saw that Marc Johnson and his wigs already joined this show. Maybe to make up for lost Chocolate checks. If you have time to show up in stupid shows, you also might have time to work for your money, just like everybody else does. Saying you're a pro skateboarder does not mean that you have to spread your legs every time somebody is offering you money. Why do brands not just organize another contest which is in fact not a real contest, but more a gathering. Let pro's attend that contest and stream it. A bit like how CPH pro used to be. O, wait they are probably next to be eaten up. Dyrdek is a goon and should be totally ingnored and banned.

Slappynoseslide link

4/21/2017 05:17:11 pm

Yeah its like that in new zealand. Lionel allways had the best muffins. The problem with the industry is allways going to be the problem with the corporations, but if you dont understand the secret religions then everyone allways gets assfucked by the competition, hillarious. the secret religions arent reptilians like they think, just corporations that are old scholl like me, your a joke. Krishna was my favourite mayavadi too. I heard that the oldest name of god in the west since time imemorial means "I amness" [seriously not true. not a joke, not funny, just very stupid. false. ftr -FWR] so props for neoadvaita for that, the internet is great, but not as good - in fact better; than the old school ways like my kindy frat so fuck you leighton skaters be getting paid. I'm counting on it like it was the 1920s.

3/15/2017 12:54:01 pm

If, besides the conglomerate hunting businessman that goes by the name Dyrdek, the general need to participate in this sort of entertainment is the lack of money in the industry (unless some fool really thinks it's funny), a charity foundation might be the solution. Fans of skateboarding then could donate a small portion of their money -on top of the product they consume- to that foundation, which will take care for giving each professional athlete and industry head their share. If somebody thinks he is poor, even though he gets free clothing and product, and travels for free, i am willing to monthly put aside a little bit of my hard earned wage for life support.

Maybe companies also could save on trips. A 5Boro video filmed on location on the East Coast does more for me than videos from China or Dubai, filmed with Red's. People could retire earlier as well. Skateboarding cannot support future, present and past generations. Skateboarding is different then other sports. And mostly that's good. But in traditional sports sponsorships don't always last that long. If you are not relevant no more, you're gone. Some pro skaters should maybe consider to pull a 'Heath Kirchart', although the general consensus is probably that he got out too soon, which i might agree with. But what he did was fucking respectable.

I remember an interview some time ago with a skateboarder in Iran or Iraq, but that's not relevant for my point, although some would get very heated over mixing those two. He was pressing his own decks in a small room in Baghdad. Or Theheran. Countries torn by war or led by hard regimes. It shows clearly that people will skate regardless. It is not really a high-tech product. ABEC7 skateboard bearings must be a dyrdek invention (higher ratings have no benefit, other then making more money). Just some urethane, some aluminum and some wood. Once it's there, it's hard to lose. Like rats, it crawls from underneath.

slobbyhosbinds link

4/21/2017 05:31:42 pm

Well friend, as I told my friend joseph pickle de gayo, I'm hoping to get to Iran someday - Heath was a pussy. I dont think its funny at all, he could die where is on the ground floor if you so much as look at my post wrong. Bitch.
Obviously people dont live and die over skating though bitch so dont have a heart attack about it like many parents of skateboarders have and will forever.
Is J2 a reference to juice tv whathave you or are you burning something and want to pass it off to the left?
I heard you arent supposed to put your lips on it though but who cares? I allways suck it like a fat dick so pass it my way. Im on the right with a laser pointer to distract the kittens.
Have a good one mateyo !

PS, your a bitch, fuck off.... Seriously fuck off bitch.... bitch.

6/3/2017 05:00:01 am

First, if people don't die over skateboarding you seem to get very angry by my comment, judging by your choice of words to describe me. I think dying over it is indeed a bit too serious, but i do think there are a lot of passionate skaters out there with good values.

By looking at the time of your post and the comment on an earlier post i have the suspicion that both of them are from your hand, or an angry friend of yours - possibly imaginary. Two comments on posts must make you very angry, i assume.

Then, i wish you a good holiday in Iran when you get there, if that's what you're saying. I have hard time trying to find out why reading your comments is giving me so much trouble. Is it a substance that makes you think of all these weird associations? Or is it lack of education and the ability to form proper sentences? Maybe it is just cool to make incoherent comments and am i missing your clou.

By the way, i'm not from the U.S. so forgive me any mistakes in spelling. And by that i can not make up anything of your local references to my nickname.

Heath was a pussy. If that's your opinion, you are entitled to. I don't know him so i can not say antyhing about his personality. I was just talking about the way he retired, and think some other pro's can follow him to make room for another generation.

Sorry to frustrate you. I just do not see anything good happening from people outside of skateboarding trying to cash in (and skaters to fall in that money trap blindly, giving away values) or skaters/entrepreneurs that reversely are trying to make a connection with the outside world. That goes for pc games, tv shows, energydrink sponsors, the Nike/Adidas debate and more.

Pro's that lived on energydrink checks without remorse and easily skipped to their own beer and now coconut water are highly questionable as far as i am concerned and i think the true motivation for them lies not in seeing the light in favor of health, but something else. Except for Kenny Anderson, and maybe someone else. If a had a million (or two) on my bank account provided by a diabetusdrink sponsor, i also could allow myself to carefree start whatever business comes up to me and sell it with lies.

Lori link

1/16/2021 12:07:38 am

Interesting post, I enjoyed read this

ETN

ETN

The most painful thing about it is,
somehow, deep down,
I want to watch it.
I feel like a rape victim asking
for a second date.

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ETN

ETN

The most painful thing about it is, somehow, deep down, ​I want to watch it. I feel like a rape victim asking for a second date.

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FIRE US A MESSAGE

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The most painful thing about it is,
somehow, deep down,
I want to watch it.
I feel like a rape victim asking
for a second date.