ETN

ETN

While everyone has been distracted with all this Donald Trump malarkey, a true evil has grown from the void; like the Nazis or to a slightly lesser extent, the Americans, this dark force threatens to take over our world.

They started out with what I’ll admit was a pretty cool idea, the live stream of Tommy and Jaws at UC Davis was the most promising concept since Instagram videos, OK you had to download an app but surely it would be worth it, then your eyes begin to melt like mace in the morning...
$7.99 per month.

To me, and thousands of equally broke mother fuckers, this was absolutely ludicrous. I have literally never paid for an app, Facebook are giving their shit away and these cheeky bastards want eight buck a month? The comment section of every ETN related social media post reflected similar opinions from almost every skateboarder with a phone and a thumb. But still, peppered between the poor grammar and swear words in capital letters, a small but faithful following arose, armed with their parents credit card details and wide eyed commitment to their new overlords. At this point alarm bells were not ringing, it was hardly the first retarded idea to sell a few units; the same cunts that bought snakeboards felt that the pricing of the app was very reasonable.

Stage two of their dastardly plan gave me PTSD, they revealed that to justify their extortionate rates they would be producing “original skateboarding shows”. The first of these goddamn abortions is an actual skateboard game show, complete with a spinning wheel and fake security guards, I can’t even parody it, it’s that fucking ridiculous. The most painful thing about it is somehow, deep down, I want to watch it. I feel like a rape victim asking for a second date.

It started to smell suspicious when SLS continued promoting the app so ruthlessly despite the overwhelming amount of negative feedback, but nothing could have prepared us for the Ebenezer Scrooge move that came next...

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The most painful thing about it is,
somehow, deep down,
​I want to watch  it.  
I feel like a rape victim asking
for a second date.

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Tampa Pro.
One of the most respected and watched competitions in skateboarding just got hog tied and ass fucked by an otherwise unknown media company. Who owns ETN? Who would dare risk angering the delicate sensitivity of the skateboarder? I’m not gonna say who the puppeteer behind this despicable revolution is coz I’m hoping for a job when the takeover is complete. Shoutout to Dyrdek.

The next exciting stage of promotion will involve a new reality series following the daily lives of professional skateboarders; the producer proudly describes it as a combination of “King of the Road”, “Life of Ryan” and “Real Housewives of Atlanta”. There will be a pay per minute feature introduced in April that allows you to live stream your favourite pros 24/7, you can watch Ishod’s relaxed style as he sleeps for nine hours or you can sit back and enjoy Torey grinding out a long round poo.

How this happened isn’t overly complicated, money is becoming increasingly influential in the world of skating, but this is a big step in a bad direction. What kind of stranglehold are these parasites going to have on all this great footage? If you rich little fucks keep supporting this Hadron Collider long enough, it will envelop the whole industry. It starts with Street League and the Berrics but pretty soon they’re buying JKwon and Macba, next they’re coming for your 700hrs of self-filmed flatground footy. Be afraid children, be very afraid.

Most people are quietly content in the knowledge that skateboarders will never buy into this nonsense, we are way too smart to let that happen; they presume it to be a flash in the pan that nobody will remember like a pussy grabbing president, but I’m old enough to remember skate parks before scooters... this is how it starts.

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