While everyone has been distracted with all this Donald Trump malarkey, a true evil has grown from the void; like the Nazis or to a slightly lesser extent, the Americans, this dark force threatens to take over our world.
They started out with what I’ll admit was a pretty cool idea, the live stream of Tommy and Jaws at UC Davis was the most promising concept since Instagram videos, OK you had to download an app but surely it would be worth it, then your eyes begin to melt like mace in the morning...
$7.99 per month.
To me, and thousands of equally broke mother fuckers, this was absolutely ludicrous. I have literally never paid for an app, Facebook are giving their shit away and these cheeky bastards want eight buck a month? The comment section of every ETN related social media post reflected similar opinions from almost every skateboarder with a phone and a thumb. But still, peppered between the poor grammar and swear words in capital letters, a small but faithful following arose, armed with their parents credit card details and wide eyed commitment to their new overlords. At this point alarm bells were not ringing, it was hardly the first retarded idea to sell a few units; the same cunts that bought snakeboards felt that the pricing of the app was very reasonable.
Stage two of their dastardly plan gave me PTSD, they revealed that to justify their extortionate rates they would be producing “original skateboarding shows”. The first of these goddamn abortions is an actual skateboard game show, complete with a spinning wheel and fake security guards, I can’t even parody it, it’s that fucking ridiculous. The most painful thing about it is somehow, deep down, I want to watch it. I feel like a rape victim asking for a second date.
It started to smell suspicious when SLS continued promoting the app so ruthlessly despite the overwhelming amount of negative feedback, but nothing could have prepared us for the Ebenezer Scrooge move that came next...
The most painful thing about it is,