SKATEBOARDERS LIKE DRUGS
If you’re the kind of person that is influenced by what you read, this shit is gonna change your life. You will finally realise how awesome drugs are, they will solve all your problems and provide you with the happy life you dream of. Heroin for example, will improve your prostitution skills 300% while giving you a sparkly grey complexion, just like your favourite twilight star.
All sports have an element of drug use, but none blatantly embrace it like skateboarding.
Even at the highest level of competition, abuse is never policed. The disproportionate amount of professional skateboarders that regularly, and openly use recreational drugs, puts the industry in a league of its own. Even those who choose not to indulge, accept its use by their peers... for one reason.
It is that difficult.
There is no short cut, no drug that makes it easier.
Even Pookie could win the Tour De France with enough crack; the right drugs can help you dominate almost any event, but all the juice in Barry Bond's basement won’t make you skate good.
Some of the best skateboarders in the world remain clean and sober, despite having the freedom to use any performance enhancing substances they choose. On the other side, some of the greatest of all time have been notorious fiends, which has fuelled and ended careers.
So here’s a “sport” that allows you to ingest whatever you want before you compete, and what is the result? Although Nyjah sprinkles steroids on his cornflakes, there still seems to be no noticeable advantage for either drug use or abstinence. The straight edge Christian is standing on the podium, next to the guy that was drinking and smoking blunts for breakfast.
This represents a terrifying concept to be released upon the masses - an idea, that you don’t have to conform to a corporate stereotype in order to be a successful athlete. It’s only a matter of time before Mountain Dew's legal team take this precious freedom away, for now, enjoy the spectacle of free range skateboarding.
So with board graphics, clothes and marketing now prominently featuring drug use; what is this saying to the children?
It became an industry in itself, marijuana graphics are a huge seller; HUF will confirm that a lot of little pot heads wanna rock their shit. You don’t even need to skate to be cool any more, just smoke weed. But commercial viability was never a factor in the past; ever since Dog Town, skateboarding attracted individuals that love to get fucked up. Some went out in a blaze of glory, others are still eating psychedelics and riding their four wheeled wife.
Here are some of the standouts:
One of the innovators of pool skating, “The Master of Disaster” invented more moves than he can remember. He sang in a punk rock band and lived a life that made Sid Vicious look like Justin Bieber. Duane consumed drugs like a hungry, hungry hippo; his antics are too numerous to mention, but highlights include robbing a 7-11, twice, in one day... because smack heads love Slushies. After spending years in & out of jail and battling a high profile heroin addiction, he went through rehab in 2007.
He was recently arrested for felony assault of his girlfriend, demonstrating that even sober people enjoy domestic violence.
A pivotal member of the original Z Boys, Jay was gifted at both skateboarding and surfing. He had an amazing, original style that inspired, and set a new direction for skating. As a child of the sixties living the life of a pro skater, he was exposed to drugs and alcohol from a young age, he really liked them. He spent time in Prison in ‘82 after being charged with murder and subsequently convicted for assault. By the 90’s he was doing heroin, after which, as a logical step, he graduated to crack. In 2005 he was arrested and sentenced to four years, for his involvement in a crystal meth deal.
While incarcerated, Jay found religion; proving that even if you’re a junkie, destined for years of abuse in jail, thinking you’ve finally hit rock bottom... it can still get worse.
Mark 'Gator' Rogowski
Mark turned pro at 14 and quickly became one of the 80’s skateboarding superstars. Lucrative sponsorships meant more money, sex and narcotics than any teenager should be supplied. When the 90’s came and vert died it ended Gators career, so he did the right thing and became an extreme Christian. After telling his girlfriend of four years that there was no more sex until they got married, she dumped Mark, and broke his little heart. As many guys do he turned to the bottle, and thought about how best to get revenge...
So he raped her friend Jessica Bergsten. Then he stuffed her in a surfboard bag, murdered her and buried her in the desert.
The old rape and murder move paid off, his ex didn’t see that one coming.
“Christ” as he humbly called himself took vert skating to a new level, embracing the rock star life like nobody else; the public rivalry with Tony Hawk coupled with his unique style, rapidly grew his celebrity status. By the mid eighties he was making 30k a month, enjoying his lavish lifestyle like MC Hammer; living in a mansion, pounding methamphetamines until the money ran out. In January 2000 Hosoi was arrested trying to smuggle more than a pound of Crystal Meth into Hawaii, he was sentenced to 10 years.
While in prison, Christian became a Christian. Now he sells religion instead of drugs.
The Muska broke into the scene in the 90’s, destroying everything in his path; on a staple diet of illicit substances Chad was able to build a successful career. He had a signature shoe with a custom made section for stashing your drugs; as far as commitment to your addiction goes, that’s like sewing a crack pipe into your hoodie. He eventually followed the path of many great artists, by growing a beard and weirding the fuck out.
His love of inebriation was still apparent in his most recent appearance on TMZ, where his liberal use of the word nigger was enough to make Eminem cringe.
After an amazing debut part in Baker 3 he looked like a rising star; then he covered his face in tattoos and spent more time doing rails than handrails. Mr Dixon was later arrested in Tampa for what he described as “a big ass bag of weed and shit”, possession of cocaine with intent to sell, and the battery of 3 enforcement officers.
Jereme openly attributes his actual skills on a skateboard, and his imaginary skill at rapping, to God. He is an outspoken Christian, whose tattoos show he is hardcore down with Jesus, but his behaviour may come into question on judgement day. In 2009 police were called when he ate a whole lot of mushrooms, stripped buck naked, climbed onto the roof and began preaching the word of the Lord. His most recent arrest for criminal mischief and possession of cannabis resulted from a particularly heavy Angel Dust session, which ended with Rogers smashing up a hotel.
Who the fuck still smokes PCP?
Guy was one of the biggest names in skating during the evolution of street in the 90’s, his legendary section in Mouse cemented his position as one of the most influential riders of the era. After many years of fame and wealth, what started with a healthy habit of weed and alcohol quickly turned into a full time commitment to getting high. He went underground for several years to focus on his pipe smoking skills, before returning to skateboarding in ’05 with the greatest comeback the sport has ever seen. He was soon back at the top of the game, putting out amazing footage, winning awards and doing never been done before shit.
Greg smokes mad weed, rides a skateboard and wins big cheques.
Along with fellow cannabis users Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt, he is proof that marijuana makes you a lazy, useless cunt.
Ever since he was “Lil Stevie” back in Philly, in every interview, his eyes are so red they could blast Superman lasers through the screen. Following a successful skateboard career he started the delicately named “Dirty Ghetto Kids” brand. Utilising the popularity of drug culture DGK blew up, the label can now be seen on every celebrity whose stylist tells them it’s “street”.
Stevie is now very rich, he sums up his success aptly -
“...people thought we were just a bunch of cool guys who smoke weed, fuck girls and hang out. Which we are, but we skate...”
Tom is the most thrashed subject in skateboarding, but he really is the ultimate success story of a stoner. The only guy that could put out ten minutes of footage so special, that he could live the rest of his life as an enigma.
His world renowned dedication to mushrooms is inspirational.
Ever since getting dumped out of a box in 411 the world could see that Bam was good at two things, skateboarding and being a menace. He was so fantastic at drinking, druggery and doing terrible shit, that society made him a world famous television and film star. Now despite having very little actual worth as a human, he drives a Ferrari and has 45 million in the bank.
One day all sports will follow the direction of skateboarding, putting an end to pesky drug testing. Professional athletes will come out of the closet with a belt around their arm and a smile on their face; the Olympics will finally be worth watching, with hundreds of roid-raging beasts breaking world records like needles.
Until then remember, drugs might ruin your life.
But they probably won’t - Donni Allum for Muckmouth 2014.