If you ever needed a sign of the impending apocalypse this is it, not even the ever increasing likelihood of a Donald Trump presidency is more prophetic than the confirmation of every skateboarders worst nightmare... The goddamn Olympics.
Yip, like it or not it’s probably gonna happen. As soon as the marketing team at Mountain Dew saw corporate appeal in our dirt bag community, it was only a matter of time before the Olympic committee jumped on the bandwagon. It is an understandably desperate manoeuvre, how can you take the most boring, overhyped piece of shit production and turn it into something kids will watch?
Skateboarding, mother fucker.
Yes, a group of humans so old that they drive chariots to work and write the date in Roman Numerals, decided they need the wonderful wheeled toy to make them relevant.
Oh, the outrage! The skateboarding community hasn’t been so divided since the Civil War of 91’ when vert skaters were lynched with their own ponytails. Tortured purists are breaking their keyboards around the world typing furiously in all caps “FUKN OLYMPICS?! SKATEBOARDING IS GONNA BE RUINED 4EVAAA!!” while some cunt at Nike SB who thinks a kickflip is how you evict tenants, is twisting his moustache and laugh maniacally at the estimated revenue growth and prospective new customers that the circus will generate.
There are some skateboarders who are genuinely indifferent, some crazy kids even go so far as to say that it’s just a piece of wood with skates on it, and dare to question how anyone can take this shit so seriously? They just don’t understand that this is 2016, if you have internet access you have the right to be OUTRAGED at anything; this brave new world belongs to the keyboard warrior.
Whatever your opinion is one thing is certain - these predictions.
2020 Olympic Skateboarding results:
Doing the exact same fucking run at every stage of the competition, and being on a first name basis with the genitals of every judge, secured Bucky the Bronze. When given the opportunity to address the world Bucky declared he should have won, and probably deserved the silver medal as well.
Olympic glory was just the motivation that Alex needed to realise that smack is wack, after 60 days sober Alex was at his finest form. Unfortunately in a tragic turn of events Alex died several days after receiving his medal, the toxicology report revealed that a terrifying cocktail of drugs was the only thing keeping him alive all those years.
At the table of the Illuminati, Tony represents youth culture. Never mind the fact that he’s fucking sixty years old, he gets a new body every year as part of his reptilian overlord package. Tony wants gold, so Tony will get some fucking gold. He will be carried to the podium on the back of a giant, Eastern European man because Trump will have legalised slavery and walking is for the poor. You can read more about the conspiracy on Tas Pappas’s website - JesusisgoodTonyisbad.net.au.
It seemed like a good idea at the time to put Rodney Mullen on the skateboarder advisory committee, but by 2020 his lovable eccentricity had developed into full blown cray cray. By then it was too late, Rodney had successfully created his own signature event. Staged indoors on a driveway size piece of rough ass concrete, the athletes created dance like routines using a box of props. When Rodney announced that there would be no medals because it seemed “too judgey”, most countries decided to save their athletes for the more serious events... but Daewon didn’t give a fuck, he picked up a ribbon, took off three of his wheels and pirouetted into the history books, becoming the first Undisputed World Champion Artistic Flatground Skateboarder©
Two words seldom heard in skateboarding - “straight edge”. Cody was born for this shit, by 2020 he’s gonna have his own signature range of toothpicks, as well as a full garment line with toothpick specific storage facilities. Cody turned up to the drug testing early and got his best score of the competition.
Wanna know how Nyjah wins SLS? No drug testing. The kid wakes up every day and snorts coke off a supermodels tits, smokes blunts lit with hundred dollar bills and crushes molly in his Monster before he even eats his breakfast burrito. Shanes blood however, is so pure that he makes more money selling his piss online than he does from skateboarding. This unique attribute combined with his god like powers on a skateboard put the silver medal around his perfectly sculpted neck.
No fucking doubt, he probably hasn’t even started skating yet. If one of the endless hordes of Brazilians that are currently taking over doesn’t win this shit, some soccer playing hood rat will learn skateboarding a few months before the games just coz he can. He will win gold and become mayor of his home town, only to be impeached several months later.
The viewing numbers were even more exciting than the prehistoric creatures had imagined, millions of people tuned in to watch a bunch of grown men excitedly flipping their feet, while the Rhythmic Gymnastics ratings plummeted. The Olympic committee decided this new direction was their saviour, and replaced even their most gangster events like Equestrian Dressage with hip new sports like Aggressive Instagramming.
The future is now, start training.