When I was growing up I had a blanket respect for all skateboarders. I fully embraced The Brotherhood of the Wheel to the ridiculously wide eyed level where if my brother and I saw anyone wearing Vans (or a surf/punk T-shirt) on the street we would approach them and enquire if they skated, rode BMX or did anything that wasn't football - 'hey, let's be friends'. My theory was simple, I loved skating, and anyone else that loved it as well would be cool, right? So after a few years (and a few shitty friends), I figured out a slightly more in-depth friend recruiting process than a Black Flag logo and my decision to talk to fellow skaters was more based on skill level or at very least - commitment. In these dark (late 80s/early 90s) days, anybody that had become good at skating would surely have the type of personality I'd get on with. With no monetary light at the end of the tunnel, if you were fully into skating it was simply because you loved it, and most of my friends that I still have today were from this magical era.
What the fuck am I going on about this for? Well now there IS light at the end of the tunnel and instead of talking to my fellow skaters, I usually cross the road to avoid large groups of the Grizzly Grip generation dreaming of one day making that Sheckler money (for the record I am actually a fan of Sheckler's skating). Even worse, these common plebeians have somehow become the tastemakers and are influencing the upper echelon of the rich and famous to try their hand at skating - with extremely mixed results.
In summary, I still secretly applaud anybody that skates and would never even try and claim that certain people shouldn't skate, but when something that I hold so dear to my heart is so irresponsibly raped in front of my eyes by a Trukfit hat or some leopard skin Zespys, I can't let it go without at least giving my 2cents.
Ok, let's start with a biggie, Justin Bieber. Now I'm actually a fan of li'l Juzzy Wuzzy, I mean I'm far from a fucking Belieber and I'm not out there going to his gigs or any of that nonsense, but I've seen his documentary and I respect that he was out busking on the mean streets of Canada when he was four. The Bieb Meister General got famous at the same age as he was (in perfect tune I'd imagine) shouting "finiiiiished" after his poo so that his mum could come in and wipe his little bum clean. Add to that the fact that every single human on the planet wants to fuck him, and you can understand how he is a bit messed up these days.
Now, in fairness to the J Man he seems to just skate for the fun of it and at least he doesn't fill every fucking music video he makes with skating.
Here we see him switch 180ing over Dyrdek, Terry Kennedy and Greg Lutzka, so I guess he must have some pretty big pop to clear all their huge fucking egos.
Peep the glorious style on the make here and witness his brave attempt at a Caballerial kickturn on a micro ramp. Before we leave Belieb, his recent tagging spree that included his trip to Auckland skatepark must also be noted.
Reportedly his body guards stood around as he sprayed this monstrosity on the wall (after performing this stylish fakie pump) at Auckland's Victoria Park skatepark.
Now I am not an artist in way, but fuck me that 'Bizzle' is some new age shit, possibly the wildest of all styles. I saw someone on Facebook compare it to a Captcha image, which is perfect.
Don't keep up the doodling, Bizzle - this is utter dogshit.
Biebs with Sir Nyjah
Phat ollie, Biebz.
Keeping it core.
Combining his two loves skating and music. Biebs by Dre.
No wonder he hangs out with Lutzka - totally fedorable.
Alright, I have to start with a small story about Barper. Once a long time ago, before he was rich and famous - I was at some party in San Diego and this guy was playing to all the rich students in his usual whiney voice. In what can only be described as unperfect timing, I shouted to a friend 'let's get out of here, this guy fucking sucks' at the exact moment his song ended. Ben clearly heard me and looked sad, then we left. The following year I saw him walking down Oxford Street in London and without hesitation called him out again. So when a few years later I heard that he was at a restaurant near where I was in New Zealand I rushed there to give him shit in a third country - he recognised me and I was escorted out by the bouncers as I started my tirade. I don't even really have a problem with his songs, it is just an ongoing joke that I can't stop. Oh and he can do lazer flips and is friends with Mullen. Good on you, Ben. See you around, buddy.
Lazer flip at Stoner
You won't be laughing next time I see you, Harper.
Of course he's mates with Vallellellellely.
Katherine Hepburn was fucking dope. More than just an outspoken and beautiful actress, she gave skating a good nudge back in 1967. As you can see below, she was a pioneer of slalom skating and was clearly the originator of the big pants, small wheels era - 20 odd years before Henry Sanchez first rolled into EMB.
Chris Brown is a fucking twat. It's not even really about the Rihanna beating either (she does seem pretty annoying). It's just his shitty face and even shitter music. Fuck you, Chris and fuck your cry baby whining voice. Every time you appear on my television my mood takes a turn for the worse - spiralling to an almost suicidal state before I can locate the remote and get your smarmy face off my screen. You suck at skating too, you fucking kook. Just look at him and his crew with their off-road tractors below. Some of the worst humans on the planet.
A lot of people hate on him for various reasons - disgusting clothes, a hideous compendium of sponsors, one of the worst attitudes on earth - the list goes on and on, but when he claimed he was going to be the greatest skateboarder in the world, everybody agreed that he'd gone too far. Surely this terrible human didn't have what it takes to prove this insane claim. Well ladies and gentlemen after watching this, all I can do is my eat my hat. Congratulations man, that was some stellar stuff.
Unlike Justin Bieber, Will Smith's son, Willow chooses to include skating in all of his songs. This prick not only taints skateboarding for everyone with his grotesque music, but he skates in those ninja pants that look like you've shit yourself whilst still being skin tight around the shins - Zespys I believe the kids are calling them. This is NOT ok. Sometimes I wish those bullies had done a better job on your dad all those years ago before he escaped to Bel-Air, just so we wouldn't have to put up with your shit.
Exhibit A: Leopard skin ninja shit pants whilst hanging with his homies Theotis and Cole.
All I am going to say about this cunt is that he reportedly spelt his own name wrong on his latest mixtape.